Something to do when the eyes open

At some point in the morning, I awaken. Unfortunately this means eyes open though tired and difficult to focus. I lay there and wonder if just moving into a different position will help. Sometimes it does a little. Other times it is of no use and getting up to do something useful would be a good use of open eye time when it should be closed eye time. I check my phone and see the hour then weigh up the likelihood of regaining back some rest. If its just after one or just after two, it is good. For a couple of hours of being awake will mean a couple of hours of sleep is attainable afterwards. If however, it is four then I may as well give up because the moment of asleep is the moment the alarm with go off and it is time to get breakfast, listen to the radio, make sandwiches, washed and prettified then head to work. Age has got to me now a good two hours are needed to get warmed up before stepping foot in the office. One and a half hours of getting ready and half an hour of travel.

At work all will be OK until lunchtime. Out for a coffee, open up kindle, look at kindle put head in hand and shield eyes with fingers/palm as I look down at the kindle. Then have ten to fifteen minutes of closed eye delirium and conscious sleep. Finish coffee, actually read a little and head back into work. A good chunk of lunchtime is over and this small moment of the day was my own. For it was insomnia which made me do it. Sometimes insomnia has no particular recipe, it just comes of its own accord. Though it's more often the older I get. There are some things which will keep it at bay. Such as doing my best to get some kind of minor exercise. Being lazy it's difficult but it is possible. Then there is the option of a couple of drinks before bed. And eyes can close so easily and sleep comes so quickly, but it is not a guarantee. Then there are those times when sleep does come and I am out like a light to suddenly awake in the morning still in exactly the same position I was in when I went to sleep. What miracle of things happened I don't know. Dreams may have happened but they are not remembered. If death is anything like a sudden deep rock like sleep, time will be forever and consciousness will never awaken. Oh well it will come as it should.

However, when I am awake I've found a decoy to help pass the wee hours of the morning. It is listening to podcasts. Finding a show, sticking the ear buds in and just listening. Sometimes without realising it this is a cure to the insomnia. A few minutes later the phone is turned off eyes close and the elusive delusional state of coma readily comes. Other times it may not. But it doesn't matter because I enjoy listening to the story and in the end try re-settling down just in case sleep comes again. A reposition of course and a resigned trick of fooling the subconscious mind by saying to myself I really don't want to get back to sleep but just lay here and enjoy this comfortable warm bed. Its a way of tricking the mind, a little like someone buying a lottery ticket holding it tightly in their hand before the balls are dropped out of the machine. For the anticipation and belief of winning is so unquestionable it is just the testing that hasn't yet proven what is already known. But this self-denial is proved wrong the moment the balls do begin to fall and be read out. The lottery ticket dreamer is disappointed, just as the insomniac is disappointed for the lack of a dream or two.